I have lived 20 years in this world, I have come to realize that I am tagged as an introvert. But I like to call myself as an ambivert who is always struggling to be extrovert completely. I am shy but also confident (not in everything, though). I like to sit alone but also love going out, I cannot make friends easily but when I make one it’s an incredible connection; one that can last lifelong. I feel completely awkward in front of stranger but still I am the life of my group.
In this world of extroverts, I do feel like a visitor. Sometimes I do want to be like them and not that I haven’t tried. I have tried multiple times and failed back. I have tried to be bold with what I have to offer the world; to talk louder when I decide to talk, but the result was disastrous. The world keeps on saying that those who raise hand or speak up or engage in the class or in the meeting are going somewhere. Those who can make friends easily and be fit in any circle are the one that matters. I tried, I damn tried. Truth be told it’s utterly exhausting. I end up feeling silly and stupid for trying to become somebody who I am not.
In the game of life where extroverts are ruling, I want my extremes to also be respected. When introverts are supposed to be weak or unable to express talents or cannot get success, I am also one of them who are always misunderstood. Misunderstood as rude for not taking that first approach to start a conversation; misunderstood as weak for saying YES to everything; misunderstood as unskilled when I cannot express my thing. It takes time for me to open up and many times it depends on other person.
Initiation is always a torment for me. I tend to wait for other person to start a conversation or contact. I do really appreciate when you initiate with me though. I cannot talk for the sake of just talking. I tend to have rather a deep and valuable conversation than just a time pass. And even if have been able to be socially friendly, I need a time with myself. My brain in that sense is differently wired. I get recharged just with myself. Solitude is a fount of healing. Silence is not uncomfortable, it’s welcomed. I need time with my silence to recover from the futility of words. Often, I get that being at terrace, staring at sky for hours (I know that sound old school) but I do need it. Also, this nature of mine does not perceive to be unimportant for someone. I thrive to be important but the same energy that drives you; drains me and gives me a sense of inadequacy. While you get energy from being around people, my energy depletes around them. It’s not like I hate people it’s just the question of comfort with them. I trust myself but not you.
The person who is trying to fit in this world and struggling to blend with the social environment have a question for you- Can I also blend in your world? Can my presence also be equally relevant like yours? Can my individuality also be appreciated? Can my introvert ways also be celebrated?
From a happy one of unheard!
– Sadhana Thapa